Few weeks ago in my book community a lady was distraught about having to say no to a parent who was reckless with finances and needed her to help him get a frivolous loan. This young lady was out of work so she could only support the family with her savings- which was depleting badly by the way. 

I love TEC women because as usual, only sound advice was given. Assisting to give her father a loan to bury someone when he doesn’t have any job and a means to pay back was to dig a hole for herself because she would have to settle it one way or another. 

At first, this reasoning assaulted me. I and millions of other women are taught that “nwa ge le gi nka”  a loose Igbo to English translation would be “that a child would look after you at old age”. 

By all means, caring for parents who raised you is how families thrive - is this encouraging black tax? Yes. Do I have a problem with anyone caring for their parents? No. 

But should women do this at their own detriment of themselves- emotionally or financially? No. 

Women are taught from an early age to say yes. To not give hassles, to be kind enough, to accommodate, to tolerate others even when they are uncomfortable, are suppressed and unwilling to say yes. They are conditioned to give themselves, their dreams, communities, youth,  dignity and labour. Give little by little, until everything is chipped away and there’s only a tired, angry and bitter woman left. 

 To give everything away to their parents, husbands and children with a smile on their face.

 In Ayobami “Stay With Me” we see Yejide almost on the brink of madness in her bid to give her husband a child. Suffering traditional concoctions, mountain prayers and fake prophets before she became pregnant, afterwards suffering death of her children and a husband’s betrayal. She endures the humiliation of another wife in her home and the sharp tongue of her mother in law as she attempts to atone for her ability to have a child- decisions that break her every time. 

Women who refused to do this, who say no and think first about themselves, are villains, enemies of society. We see this in the story of Vashti; one of my favorite biblical women, who was queen of Persia and who said no to being a parlour wife and was banished for refusing the king’s order to parade her in front of his guests. Vashti was banished or probably beheaded, and her story still serves as lessons to younger women who try to say no. 

In Frequent Fliers, the protagonist is forced to participate in a wedding she wants no part of and carry the emotion in her relationship with her mother while suffering anxieties and dropping out of her PH.D. She could have avoided the torture being the wedding planner for a boy she has loved and wanted for years by simply saying no. 

 Saying no to societal expectations is to live freely. Like Vashti who was free from the shackles of a repressive husband and Malala who defied the Taliban's decree that banned women in school and is today a champion of women’s education globally, we see this in Buchi Emecheta who despite her husband’s wickedness, is one of Africa's finest authors till date.  

Speaking with Ebube; an engineering graduate and content creator, she said,  “to break the cycle and start saying no, women must first recognize the emotional and financial labour for what it is. Women must unlearn despite how hard, the expectations that they should always be available and willing to help even if they burn themselves in the process. This is the only way they can truly feel happy and not overextend themselves”.