There are very few things as exciting as the heady feeling from an intense situationship.  Like Kehlani’s sultry tone in “Toxic”, the adrenaline from the occasional attention hits like a drug, bringing you back for fix after fix until you are addicted and dependent on the high.  Amidst this frenzy affair, you are thrown neck deep in anxiety, self doubt and the uncertainty of your status in their lives while battling loneliness and shame .  This romance takes you up and down- through moments of fervent passion marked by long periods of silence and withdrawal.  This kind of relationship dynamic in modern dating is called a situationship. While it is a Gen Z buzz word, finding oneself in this purgatory called situationship is relatable to both old and young people. When one is in this sort of relationship, they do not proudly scream “I am in a situationship” from the top of a mountain, or introduce them to their friends or family.  There is an unsettling sense of mortification and humiliation that hangs around situationships- especially among women. These feelings stem from traditional expectations of crystal clear labels and commitments in romance.  In Walk Of Shame by Avery Glynn, Astrid finds herself entangled with a man she wants nothing to do with, despite her hard attempts to stop her desires, she is soon bumping uglies with Cal and sneaking around to avoid her noisy neighbors while he struts around proud of his “quest”.   Oftentimes, people in situationships are not aware of their situation, or one person is all in- invested emotions and is in love, while the other party is going along with the flow and enjoying the ride of the intense affair. This power structure may lead to confusion, uncertainty, hurt and feeling of worthlessness.  Gaslighting plays an important part in sustaining the power imbalance in most situationships.  Persons who are not emotionally invested may be happy to string the other person alone, offering tiny crumbs to keep them invested but never enough to emotionally satisfy them.  They might deny the reality of their relationship, control and confuse their partners, and also avoid accountability. They are often charismatic, always playing dumb and pretending not to understand their actions while projecting their feelings on their victim.  A situationship is perfect if it is your decision and  “You” are looking for casual, non committed and fun engagement. You can only know this when you have communicated with your partner(s).  However, when you are stuck in one despite wanting a commitment, you must learn to pick yourself first.

If you start actively reading today, you might be able to crush your reading goals for the year and post content on TikTok by December. In the bustle and hustle of getting your grind up, one can easily get caught up in meeting deadlines, connecting with friends, upskilling and forgetting some of the other important things like reading. However, taking time to read would not only impact your mental well-being, reading has also proven to provide a camaraderie spirit- helping readers find solace in knowing that someone else is experiencing similar things as you. Reading has also been known to reduce stress, help relax and improve productivity and focus. These are easy ways to start reading and how to make them stick! ● Set A Realistic Reading Goal: In the thrill of a new year, you may or may not have set goals to read a certain amount of books before the year ends, but your goals should be visible and realistic. Wanting to read 150 books like Ezioma is admirable, but leaping from zero books to  to 150 books is a habit that needs consistency and discipline especially if you are a beginner. So, start small, what is most important is reading, never the amount of books and never the ranking numbers on your list.   ● Join a Book club:   The importance of joining a community of readers can not be overemphasized if you are looking to start reading as a habit. Most book clubs pick new books at the beginning of every month to be discussed at the end of the month, enforcing conversations that improve comprehension and motivation.   ● Friends who read: Aside from joining a book club, having friends who enjoy reading would influence your reading habits tremendously. In very casual settings, books are reviewed, recommendations shared with friends  who are simply hanging out.   ● Inculcate reading habits:  Reading is a life time hobby, and to grow a lifelong habit, inculcating reading habits is the way to go. Rookie readers have sworn by carrying books around, buying aesthetically pleasing books, using other mediums of reading like audiobooks to increase reading time, trying out various reading formats to choose what works best for you and attending book signing and everything book related.   ● Schedule time: For 9-5ers and working class people in general, the best way to grow a reading habit is to schedule a reading time and stick to it. According to Forbes, if you do something diligently for 21 days, it becomes a habit. Scheduling a time to read might be your way to smash your reading target and post that reading wrap that you want.   ● Read only what you enjoy: This is my go to advice for beginners. Read only the books that you enjoy, your taste will expand along the way. From Romance to Thrillers and Woman Fiction, books exist to entertain more than anything, so to read and develop a habit from reading, reading only books that keep you intrigued, engaged and wanting more are the way to go. Developing a reading habit that sticks, one requires patience, consistency and discipline. To effectively do these, one has to go easy with themselves - stopping and picking up again is what is most important. Also, starting small is better than never starting at all, so start now; read a page or a paragraph, discover the beauty in written words and get lost in the magic found behind a book cover.

For centuries, the idea of women as human beings;independent and deserving of dignity has been regarded as a radical concept. Something so simple yet strongly yoked to misogynistic traditions and law has championed debates,  movements and protests across the globe- from Africa through Asia to Europe and America.  Women continue to face marginalization and subjugation- despite the many victories already won, new battles are fought every day.  Just like Eneke the bird who has learnt to jump without perching- to outsmart the hunter, women have learnt to rebel against religions, cultures and lifestyles that insist on their suppression.  One iconic example of the refusal to be silenced and subjugated is the story of Vashti, the Persia queen who refused the king’s command to dance naked in front of his guests. According to the Christian rendition of her story, Vashti was hosting a party for women while their husbands were entertained by the king.  The singular act of hosting parties for women in Persia, championing women communities at a time when women were merely seen, but never heard, and all women were considered objects of sex, recreation and labour, proves that queen Vashti was a girl’s girl.  Her refusal to obey her husband’s drunken commands and saying no to his desires to objectify her,  teaches women today that they do not exist as sexual objects for men. Her rebellion, despite the obvious disastrous outcome, garnered positive and negative reactions. Some Rabbis- obviously men, believed Vashti to be an adulteress, a wanton woman who intended to lead women to revolt against their husbands.  To others, Vashti’s act was the beginning of the actions that led to modern feminism. She defies patriarchy and damns the consequences by refusing to yield to her husband’s wishes.  Similarly, the legacy of resistance is evident in the life and experience of Buchi Emecheta who in the early 50s, defies the patriarchal Igbo tradition that denies women education. While Emecheta was married off at 16 and sent to London to unite with her husband years later, the marriage turned sour as she was faced with her husband’s abusive and controlling sides.  Battling poverty, racism and “single parenting”, she starts writing, finding solace in scribbling her experience on tiny papers.  As a writer, she was silenced many times- the most remarkable being the destruction of her manuscript by an angry and jealous husband, an action that led to the end of the marriage. Separating from her husband at a time where a woman’s worth was tied to the men in her life, and attempting to write about the struggles of African women in country where her existence was considered exotic, Emecheta rebels against patriarchal norms of submission, societal expectations of motherhood, particularly the idea that women must sacrifice their dreams for their children. Today, her writings stand as evident that women have challenged cultures that intend to subdue and silence them as women, writers and individuals.  Emecheta’s pioneering work paved the way for a new generation of women leaders like Malala Yousafzai.  At only 11, Malala defies the Taliban's order that prevents the education of women. She spoke heavily on the oppression of women and girls, challenging rules that prevent women from attending classes, seeing doctors, going on walks, playing music and dancing.  Her blatant refusal to compromise her education and her continuous activism which attracted international attention led to the order for her assasination. Surviving the attempt of murder with critical wounds, Malala would go on to receive a Nobel prize as she turned 17 and champion girl education in Asia and Africa until date.  The stories of these women- worlds apart as it seem- are linked by their sheer determination to challenge and resist practices that hinders their lives as women. Despite the obstacles, these women showed remarkable determination and strength in the face of troubles. Their stories reminds us that the fight for women’s equality is a continuous struggle that requires courage, determination and commitment.  

Few weeks ago in my book community a lady was distraught about having to say no to a parent who was reckless with finances and needed her to help him get a frivolous loan. This young lady was out of work so she could only support the family with her savings- which was depleting badly by the way.  I love TEC women because as usual, only sound advice was given. Assisting to give her father a loan to bury someone when he doesn’t have any job and a means to pay back was to dig a hole for herself because she would have to settle it one way or another.  At first, this reasoning assaulted me. I and millions of other women are taught that “nwa ge le gi nka”  a loose Igbo to English translation would be “that a child would look after you at old age”.  By all means, caring for parents who raised you is how families thrive - is this encouraging black tax? Yes. Do I have a problem with anyone caring for their parents? No.  But should women do this at their own detriment of themselves- emotionally or financially? No.  Women are taught from an early age to say yes. To not give hassles, to be kind enough, to accommodate, to tolerate others even when they are uncomfortable, are suppressed and unwilling to say yes. They are conditioned to give themselves, their dreams, communities, youth,  dignity and labour. Give little by little, until everything is chipped away and there’s only a tired, angry and bitter woman left.   To give everything away to their parents, husbands and children with a smile on their face.  In Ayobami “Stay With Me” we see Yejide almost on the brink of madness in her bid to give her husband a child. Suffering traditional concoctions, mountain prayers and fake prophets before she became pregnant, afterwards suffering death of her children and a husband’s betrayal. She endures the humiliation of another wife in her home and the sharp tongue of her mother in law as she attempts to atone for her ability to have a child- decisions that break her every time.  Women who refused to do this, who say no and think first about themselves, are villains, enemies of society. We see this in the story of Vashti; one of my favorite biblical women, who was queen of Persia and who said no to being a parlour wife and was banished for refusing the king’s order to parade her in front of his guests. Vashti was banished or probably beheaded, and her story still serves as lessons to younger women who try to say no.  In Frequent Fliers, the protagonist is forced to participate in a wedding she wants no part of and carry the emotion in her relationship with her mother while suffering anxieties and dropping out of her PH.D. She could have avoided the torture being the wedding planner for a boy she has loved and wanted for years by simply saying no.   Saying no to societal expectations is to live freely. Like Vashti who was free from the shackles of a repressive husband and Malala who defied the Taliban's decree that banned women in school and is today a champion of women’s education globally, we see this in Buchi Emecheta who despite her husband’s wickedness, is one of Africa's finest authors till date.   Speaking with Ebube; an engineering graduate and content creator, she said,  “to break the cycle and start saying no, women must first recognize the emotional and financial labour for what it is. Women must unlearn despite how hard, the expectations that they should always be available and willing to help even if they burn themselves in the process. This is the only way they can truly feel happy and not overextend themselves”.   

“Women are their worst enemies”. I have heard this countless times while growing up. The usual tale has been “women would gossip about you, take your husband away and ruin your chances in life because they are jealous of your good fortune”.  These comments have led most women- me included, to say that they prefer male friendships.  But I have learnt this year that female friendships are where it is at. I have learnt that your female friends are your soul sisters, daughters from different mothers but daughters regardless.  I joined a community of women in January and this has been one of the highlights of my year.  From getting opportunities/gigs thrown at you and helping to navigate work challenges, to creating support systems for members, crowdfunding for indigent women and aiding financially, the women of TEC have changed my narrative of female friendships and communities in general.  This is not to say that women are saints. The idea that women are good people stems from a patriarchal system that tries to mould women into blameless creatures with a heart of gold. This is why I love badly behaved women- women who are equally as bad as men, women who do not have to pander to the idea of what womanhood means.  Like men, women can be liars, manipulators and cheats-  and often, these women could be persons who we love, adore and respect. But unlike men in romantic relationships, women are never given second chances.  Just recently on X, a lady tweeted about a female friend who had sex with her male friend on their first meeting and threatened to cut her off while insisting that her male friend- a consenting adult who agreed to having sex with the friend was not to be cut off. This tweet received a lot of support. Her friend was blamed for hooking up with the man and insulted for being loose. Not a single bad thing said to the man in question.  In  “You Can Never Be Me” by Jesse Sutanto, two best friends are thrown into a nasty world of jealousy and competition and are soon driven into sabotaging careers and murder.  This novel explores the challenges of friendships, detailing the falling out between friends and navigating the loneliness after a friendship breakup. Some of the reviews for this book outrageously shunned these women- I don’t support their actions either, but why does the idea of women being less than perfect something that irritates society. Why are women held accountable for less things than men?  Also, in “The Hopefuls” by Jennifer Close, the author explores female friendships, jealousy, betrayal and cutting offs. While the drift and betrayal wasn’t between the women, the fight was inherited by their wives- friends too, and it destroyed a blooming friendship.  Why I believe in preserving peace and enforcing boundaries, I believe in giving female friendships as many chances as I give any other entanglement.  Women give more time, energy, and emotions to romantic relationships, family and every other thing than they give their friendships.  There’s always an urgency to cut off, to ghost and never to give second chances to friends.  When friends break up, there’s no recognition of the hurt, the loneliness that comes with losing a part of yourself. People shame you for crying over a friendship break up while expecting that you grieve over a failed relationship.  If we can actively talk about female friendships, see it for the lifeline it is and do everything in our power to hold and cherish it, only then can we experience true happiness in female friendships.  Women, just like men, are equally bad and oftentimes would do selfish things in relationships, putting in efforts and being accountable for their actions would allow for less toxic, striving friendships.